Grad div (or whatever they call it here) sent out an e-mail requesting article proposals. Apparently they're paying to have people write articles about graduate life. I'm tempted to send in:

Underpaid and overworked: I can't wait to be a postdoc,
and
The light at the end of the tunnel: Exploiting tenure.

Discussing Dell's cheap computers:

Jon: if you want bling, get what i got
Jon: an optiplex
Jon: if you want to be rich, you have to act like youre rich so get a precision workstation 690

Onkar: haha
Onkar: you should write rap songs

Jon: and get corproate sponsorships
Jon: product placement

Onkar: are these monitors any good?
Onkar: why so cheap

Jon: i got an lcd/ cause im a vip/ my dell vostro/ screen is monstro
Jon: im good 

On the phone later: "I tried to make those words rhyme in my head, but I couldn't get them to work"--Onkar

Jon: So I was one-upped in the bathroom... I walked in to brush my teeth and this German guy pulls out a Sonicare.
Labmate: Yeah, you really got one-upped.

(After Screwdriver #3)

Craig: If you make the cookies in the muffin tin, the center doesn't get cooked and you get sick.
Jon: I've been eating plenty of raw cookie dough and I haven't... wait. Never mind.

Craig: It's not the Kebabs that's doing it, you idiot.

Explaining Karaoke Revolution (in the easiest way possible since we're engineers) to my lab:

Me: So it takes the FFT and determines your pitch as you sing.
Kid 1: Are you sure it's not the discrete cosine transform?
Kid 2: That was totally unnecessary.
Kid 1: But he said it took the FFT.
Kid 2: No.

(Nonetheless, he does have a point about the DCT)

Craig was on the phone last night giving tech support to his friend. He was supposed to be helping me find my Gamecube memory card.

My threats to out a frat boy if I didn't get my card were promptly ignored by both parties of the conversation. These two ideas were intimately related, aided by the fact that the girl worked for a queer youth organization. Our side of the phone call:

Jon: Why don't you just use XP ask for assitance and help her remotely?
Craig: She has AOL?
Jon: What an idiot. She probably has some lesbian ISP.
Craig: What the fuck is a lesbian ISP?
Jon: She would pay twice as much if the ISP donated a dollar a month to charitable causes.
Craig: No, Jon.

She repeatedly asked if Craig was drunk. (No)

Having gone to a school with a shooting (by an Asian kid, they interviewed him in Newsweek. pretty content free.) I can tell you that it isn't the immediate response, but the campus's long term response that determines whether it will recover from it and grow stronger and so forth (where you can still receive adult signature required packages* when you're 16), or your school is permanently wounded.

It's already begun.

There was another article on how the building where the shootings were still remains closed, and nobody can get any research done, and no grants, and delayed degrees, and so forth.

I seem to remember a meeting where they taught us this concept. (This was 7 years ago, maybe it was a lecture in orientation instead.) You make immediate changes, but you can't let it affect the openness of the community. That is, hurry up and get over it.

This was the thing I was thinking when all the support VT stuff was going on. Will you support them putting cameras in everybody's dorm room? It's still too early to tell, but I don't think that they're doing this right at all.

^{* Well, the UPS guy has the front desk lady sign all of them at once, so it probably wasn't separated or pointed out, but still.}

Features OS X 10.5 is copying from Microsoft:

-Time Machine (Volume Shadow Service, Windows 2000+)
-True 64-bit (Windows 2003 IA-64, XP 64, Vista, any 64-bit UNIX)
-Quick Look (Thumbnail View, Win 98, improved in Vista)
-Parental controls (Vista)
-Boot Camp (Microsoft's Virtual PC, Vista's virtualization licensing. OS X can't be virtualized)
-Photo Booth (Built in, XP)
-Front Row (XP Media Center Edition, circa 2003)
-10.4's Spotlight (Windows 2000 indexed search)
-Spaces (Not MS, but ancient X Windows feature, circa 1989)

Features Vista has that OS X doesn't

-The new features in DX10 and the VDDM
-User-mode, per-application audio architecture
-Suspend-to-both (Hibernate only on new Macs)
-Flash caching
-Type to launch
-Program metainformation (Games folder in Vista)
-I/O scheduler
-UAC (Finer grained than su)
-Trusted path (since Windows NT 3.1)
-A menu bar that scales to large screens
-DPI scaling
-.NET/CLI/Managed code (more modern than Java)
-XPS (arguably a modern imitation of Postscript)
-XAML, WinFX
-TPM (3rd party since XP)

Seen by the pubilc printer today: "Mechanical Engineering Capstone Project: Suspension lift of a 2000 Ford Ranger"

Jon: ... and our lab has nitrogen gas. You can nitrogen purge open bottles of wine!
Brent: You EEs get so excited about a nitrogen line...

In the oops department. (Some other sources formed it as plating new trees may increase global warming)

It sounds like a good idea: go fly your private jet and pay money to fix the problem. Right?

This is related to the fact that pollution controls have reduced the amount of particulates in the atmosphere, reducing cancer, and probably increasing global warming. (NASA claimed as much as 10 years of global warming was reversed with Pinatubo)

It also relates to the whole stopping natural forest fires issue.

So the moral of the story is, as people never learn, don't tamper with complex systems like nature.

So the PLM* is famous, apparently.

*Pseudo-Lesbianmobile, a.k.a. my Subaru Forester. This is in contrast to the quinessential Lesbianmobile, a teal-green Subaru Legacy Wagon/Outback Wagon. Samit's car, the Legacy GT sedan, by virtue of being a Legacy, is a step closer and therefore is the PLM Mark II.

By the way, I didn't have much choice, other than that I managed an upgrade from a Impreza wagon to the Forester. I was asking for a used Altima, which would be called the, uh, Saulcar.

On the other hand, despite the glorified rubber band static shock generating tires that came with it, the low CG, AWD, and general traction of the thing allow me to drive like an idiot and not crash. Especially in the corners.

I'm talking to a professor about a meeting I had with another professor and mention my latest purchase:

"He got really excited when I told him I bought a Rubidium Atomic Clock. You would think you couldn't have a lot of fun with a box that has a 10 meg output, but you can."

And he gives me this look.

People who drive commercially, such as trucks and motorcoaches are very commonly bad drivers. It's been noted before... somebody attentive and cautious enough to drive safely doesn't want that job. Look at how much the have to pay airline pilots.

Anyway, bus goes off overpass because person doesn't realize that's an exit:

-It's 5:30 AM. Why are you in the carpool lane? You should be in the right two lanes. In fact, in a number of areas, such as the SF bridges, only public transit buses are allowed.

-Five bucks says driver had cruise control on. Do not use cruise on unfamilliar ramps, do not use cruise on short, non-bank-coordinated ramps. It's bad to maintain a constant speed though a turn, people who know how to drive, especially people on motorcycles know this. The proper way to make a turn is to slow down to proper entry speed, look ahead to the exit, turn or lean, and add throttle to pull through the turn. I learned this on a motorcycle, and I've had several people independently comment on how smooth I drive.

-Ohio doesn't have carpool lanes. Explains number one above. Carpool lanes qualify as Federal mass transit.

-Driver didn't pay attention to the signs. Regardless of killing a bunch of people, if you don't pay attention to the signs in a major metropolitan area, you're going to end up somewhere you don't want to. You have to look ahead and anticipate, especially in heavy traffic. I got a school bus driver fired once because they ended up in the wrong lane and swerved into mine, causing me to go to the next lane over.

In conclusion, the driver drove bad and killed a bunch of people, and this shouldn't be national news unless they're emphasizing how bad the person drove. Which is partially being done, with maps and diagrams. I got the NTSB press release that they're investigating, but by the time their report comes out, people will have forgotten how bad many, if not most, commercial drivers are.

Did you know that a cell phone generates so much radio energy, that it can be easily detected ten miles away? And it does this all the time, even when you aren't in a call?

In response to Brent's crapass advice about how to get into the pants of a chemical engineer ("Memorize the common valences of the transition metals") here's my equally unfounded advice on how to get an electrical engineer:

1. When he¹ pulls out some piece of technology out of his pockets, ask how it works.
1.1 If that doesn't work, ask to see the technology, but it is preferred to wait until it comes out.

2. Talk about a common situation in everyday life and ask how it could be improved.

3. Ask to see their soldering scars. This is actually a good way to hold their hand.

4. Ask about their home network, and the most esoteric computer or device on it.

5. Show your electronic devices and ask for his opinions.

6. Find out at what age he started disassmebling things, and what.

7. Ask about all the times they've received an electric shock from a potentially lethal voltage.

8. If you get home, ask for a tour of the lab. Complement their selection of test equipment.

And the emergency conversation questions:

1. What do you think about RoHS? (say it right, "row-hoss")
1.1 "Yeah given those scars, I figured you hated lead-free solder."

2. How many multimeter fuses have you blown? What kind do you have?
2.1 "Did you know that John Fluke and Dave Packard were friends? That's why HP, now Agilent, never really went into the multimeter market."

3. Who's your cell phone carrier and why?
3.1 If you're good, look up their carrier via telcodata.us in advance². Be aware of ported numbers.
3.2 "How is the RF performance on that model? Voice quality? Where's the antenna? What chipset does it use?"

How to kill the moment:

1. Never ask common computer questions (No: My soundcard is broken. Yes: I heard Creative is too incompetent to deal with latencies in PCIe)

2. Never ask about popular consumer electronic goods (No: iPod, RAZR, Apple products in general. Possibly: TiVo. Yes: Nortel phones, Printers that cost over $500)

3. Avoid discussion on commercial high-end audio equipment, e.g. Monster Cable³. A lot of EEs are interested into audio, but those who do build their own devices and universally know that "high-end" stuff you buy in stores are scams.

4. Breaking things: Engineering and experiementation are intrinsic. Wrecking things is a sign of interest and creativity, much like sports injuries. You wouldn't say that you don't like surfers because they wipe out. Likewise, irreparably wrecking a DeskJet 10 minutes after it's been removed from the box is a sign of honor. Especially since any engineer can identify several reasons why it wasn't their fault.

Mega Bonus points:

1. Memorize the resistor color code AND the common EIA resistor values. Or at least know the names and tolerances of the series.

2. Discuss field test mode or an easter egg on any device, especially your cell phone.

3. Display knowledge of who actually manufactured something, that is, who the OEM was, and former names of the company. For example, "My HP LaserJet, which really is a Canon engine with drivers and controller made by Oak Technology, now Zoran...". Design reuse is a goal of every EE, so things like, "My Ford Mustang, which is basically a Mazda 3..." is sure to impress.

4. "Our love is like Tz/(z-1)². In the time domain, we started from nothing but is always growing in discrete steps. Let's move our two poles outside the unit circle so that we will be unbounded forever. Will you marry me?"

Good luck.

___
1. The pronoun "he" is being used in a gender-specific manner and is correct for 99.5% of all persons of this group.
2. More on this if I ever write about stalking people.
3. By the way, the Monster Cable Asian sweatshop in the Bay Area revolted and went on strike. Only got picked up by the Chinese news.

In honor of Mary Cheney's kid, I present the following conversation with Alex¹

Alex: How over the top is the Nokia 9300?
Jon: Buy a Blackberry or at least a Treo...
Alex: Blackberry is too Cheneyesque, but I won't get the nokia in any case.
Jon: The thing is Canadian, and it uses servers in canada², so it has cheneydaughtertivity.
Alex: So Lesbian and Republican...how does that make it better?
Jon: It hates itself... Kinda like the opposite of an Apple.

___
1. I'm not implying that Alex is big, dumb, balding, with no chin and a short temper like Dick Cheney. I'm saying it up front.
2. RIM and BB. They need to get out more up there. (Half a person got that one.)

If you've read the news, you know that the British have gone on an all-out crusade against air travel in the name of carbon emissions.

While it is true that high altitude carbon, in addition to contrails, cause airplanes to have a siginificantly greater impact on global warming, I point out that Americans are fufilling their needs: when 80% of Americans don't have passports, you know they're not going anywhere. I'm glad to see Europe is proactively adopting American culture by keeping their asses at home. Really helps global warming when you pull an Iraq.

But anyway, Mike mentioned the other night that there was this thing on South Park where they parodied that hybrids cause smog. It's true. Hybrids have increased levels of smog forming pollutants. In fact, it was the manual transmission Honda Insight that wouldn't meet CA low-smog standards. They retuned the CVT auto, and in the process lost several MPG (they blamed it on the automatic so people wouldn't notice).

Interesting sidenote: a modern car emits less hydrocarbons driving from NY to Boston than a 1970 car would parked for the same period.

Fuel consumption and smog-forming emissions are mutually exclusive. If you burn too lean, you create nitrous oxides and carbon monoxide if you burn to rich, you create hydrocarbons and particulates. In a catalytic converter equipped car, you try to maintain an Air-Fuel ratio of 14.7 by mass. 14.7 AFR is too rich in terms of the actual combustion, what you do is you take the excess HC and reburn them in the catalytic converter, where lower temperatures and less oxygen inhibit NOx and CO formation. That's wasted fuel there, but that's what happens.

There's another thing you can do, dual catalytic converters, like on my car. This actually drops you several MPG, at the cost of smog emissions. The result is that my car generates less smog forming emissions than a first-gen Prius. The Subaru Legacy meets PZEV emissions, the same as any hybrid.

Really, if you're going to burn lean, you should go really lean: gasoline direct injection, similar to a diesel engine. Here, the combustion dynamics are such that the flame kernel is richer, but the majority of combusion occurs in a lower-temperature area. That will buy you ~10-15% fuel improvement with less impact on NOx. Low rolling resistance tires, 5%, electric power steering 1-2 MPG. Add a turbo, variable valve timing, and you've easily hit Bush's 20% proposal. The Japanese are usually a generation behind on these things, so you'll find them in Ford (Mazda) cars and Audi.

Anyway, I forget what my point is, but the Europeans usually don't have smog problems due to the cold weather.

The problem with my brother is that he knows me too well. A few months ago, there was an incident in which the alarm company called up all of a sudden, and asked if everything was OK. They said that there was a "service on premises" alarm. They needed the secret password. Nobody knew what it was, I had to do some reverse engineering, and the alarm company happened to be purchased by a company that expensed racy ice sculptures.

In summary, by the time I figured it out, the Tiburon police had shown up and left while I was still on hold with the company.

So, I explain this to my parents blaming antique electronics, dried capacitors, single event upsets and such, and my brother walks in and says,

"You went to hackyouralarm.com, downloaded the service manual and tried to reprogram it, didn't you?"

"Shut up."

So we’re walking along in wooded areas and the tripod and antennas are about 18 inches over the top of my head. Out of the blue,

Randall: “No chance to survive!”
Jon: (ducking over) “Move zig?”
Randall: “Move zig!”

And with that, I stand up and take out several low hanging branches. Apparently, he gave up on the premature zig moving on the way down. The trail is now suitable for people up to 7 ft.

TODO: Lose the heavy-duty Chinese iron tripod. It weighs 15 pounds. Also, get video footage of Mike singing on Karaoke Revolution Party.

Jon: “This stupid [REI Valhalla] Traverse pack has one pocket, which makes it a total pain in the ass. There’s nothing to traverse. They should have called it a heap”.